Adventures in… Introversion
In Psychology, personality can be measured using the Big Five model. You rate yourself on a range of statements, such as ‘I like being with other people’ (Strongly Agree) and ‘I get chores done right away’ (Strongly Disagree). At the end you receive a score for the Big Five: Openness, Conscientiousness, Neuroticism, Agreeableness and Extraversion. When I took the test this morning, I scored 90% for Extraversion. (You can take the test here. Scientific accuracy not guaranteed.) This was no great surprise to me. It did get me thinking, however, that my life over the past year – this writer life – has really been a great adventure in introversion.
If extraversion is all about seeking stimulation outside the self, then teaching is certainly the perfect job for extraverts. It is difficult to think of a more people-facing role. You are presented with 100 teenagers, sorted neatly into five classes, at the start of the year and you have to find out who they are, what makes them tick, and how to make sure they don’t throw chairs at you. I would finish each teaching day exhausted but recharged. I felt I had earned my rest. It was tough, but deeply satisfying.
Writing, on the other hand, is a solitary profession. It’s not necessarily lonely, because I spend so much time with the imaginary friends I have invented, but there is no denying that I do pass much of the day on my own. There are ways to make it feel more like a shared activity. I write each morning on a Zoom with 300 others at the London Writers’ Hour. I share outlines and ideas with a writing group. But when I sit down to write my novel, I write alone. There is no denying that I am living an introvert’s dream life. My colleagues are the horses grazing in the field next door. My tea breaks are enlivened by podcasts and voice notes.
Much has been made of the poor introverts who have to make their way in a world designed for people like me. I understand that it’s not easy for introverts. They have to adapt who they are and practise behind heard over the other voices in the room. I have the opposite problem. I am an extravert in a world of silence and time. And I think all this silence and time is starting to rub off on me. I’m beginning to quite like the quiet.
In the midst of a terrible year for the whole world, I know that I am endlessly lucky that, for me, this lockdown life has been a chance to pursue my dreams. I’m not complaining. Instead, I am acknowledging that I have changed, just a little. I am still 90% Extravert but I am a little more anxious about life beyond these four walls. I’ve become quite used to my own company. I need to practise adventuring again. Perhaps we all do.
Great reads this week:
· I finally finished listening to Ruth Ozeki’s A Tale for the Time Being on Audible and it is no exaggeration to say that it blew my mind. I don’t think I’ve ever read something which feels so intimate and yet has such great scope before. The audiobook also features lots of singing.
· I have also loved Jessica Valenti’s writing and I really recommend Fear of Raising a Daughter on her Substack, All In Her Head. Powerful!
· Not a reading recommendation but… If you have some time this Saturday, my friend Kathryn Koromilas (KK) is one of the hosts of a women’s conference on Stoicism called Practical Paths to Flourishing. I think it will be incredibly interesting!
Ask Amy
Well, first of all, congratulations on your promotion. I imagine that your excitement has been somewhat tempered by this situation with your friend, but I do hope that you have taken some time to celebrate your new role. A promotion is a recognition of all your hard work and, I imagine, you now have an exciting new position to get your teeth into. That’s really great. So please start by giving yourself a pat on the back.
That’s not to say that your friend didn’t work equally hard, which may be part of the reason why they are finding it hard to talk to you right now. They may be stuck in a spiral of comparison, thinking that it should have been them, that they deserved it more. In this situation, not talking to you may well be a way of stopping themselves being actively hostile. They may be taking a step back from you because you remind them of their perceived failure. It’s not your fault, it’s doesn’t demonstrate a fantastic level of maturity on their part – but this may be their coping mechanism.
In your question you ask what you should do, but in this case, doing nothing, at least where your friend is concerned, is really the best response. It is not on you to make your friend feel better or to apologise for your success. You cannot control their reaction; you can only control your own actions. You can show your friend empathy and try not to let their behaviour make you angry, but the reality is that they may choose to continue not talking to you. That’s their right. They will miss out on a fabulous friendship, but they are allowed to make that choice.
It is a horrible feeling when we believe that we have wronged someone and many of us have the instinct to fix things, even if it means saying sorry when we are not at fault. Please don’t do that in this situation. Keep hold of your integrity. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.
What you can do is the following:
1. Prepare yourself for this new role and do it brilliantly. Do work that you feel proud of.
2. Take comfort in your other friends and your family.
3. Practise your empathy so that, if your friend does come back to you, you can both move forward without this becoming a burden on your friendship.
Your friend’s pride has been dented, but time is a great healer. Have confidence that all will be as it is supposed to be. In the meantime, keep living. I wish you luck on the journey ahead.
If you enjoyed this advice column, there are more available on my website.
I’m always looking for questions to answer, so please do drop me a line if you need some advice. It is anonymous, of course.