Adventures in… Cycle Tracking
When I was about fourteen, the girls in our year group were gathered together, separate from the rowdy boys, for a special assembly. Special assemblies always carried a gentle frisson of excitement. Would it be about sex? Playground politics? A major news event? What we got at this particular special assembly was… a period chat. I think there might have been free tampons too. Not only was this period chat about half a decade too late, but the crux of the message was, ‘If you are menstruating, you are fertile, so watch out girls!’ I know that sex and relationships education in schools has improved over the past twenty years, but I’m not so sure that period education has.
The idea of writing about this topic initially gave me some anxiety. I feared that I might alienate my audience. Then I thought a bit harder and I wondered why we are so determined to underestimate the interest of those who don’t menstruate. Where were the boys at that special assembly? The message seems to be that if you don’t personally experience something, there’s no point in learning about it. I’ll probably never be an astronaut but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been scrutinising every picture that gets beamed back from Mars with excitement. We should be curious. Knowledge = power.
Many people took up new hobbies during lockdown: baking, yoga, running – anything to avoid staring into the abyss. I decided that I wanted to learn more about the menstrual cycle. I listened to this podcast, as recommended by a dear friend, and read Maisie Hill’s Period Power cover to cover. What I learned was a revelation and I have not stopped banging on about it since.
DID YOU KNOW: Our hormones ebb and flow throughout our menstrual cycles, meaning that there are times of the month when we feel sociable and energised, and times when we need to sit in our pyjamas and cry. What we never learn is how to use the waves to our advantage. For example, we shouldn’t be doing intensive exercise every day of the month. Debilitating period pain doesn’t need to be the norm. We can help ourselves out with the right food and the right amount of sleep. Some of this information could be life-changing, but I don’t remember ever learning about it at school.
When I started tracking my cycle, as in keeping track of my moods and energy levels, the patterns were right there. I felt like I was getting to know myself all over again. And it led me to wonder: Why did it take 34 years to get to this stage? Why did nobody tell me this before? On Elizabeth Day’s How To Fail podcast, Jessica Ennis-Hill, championing a new fitness app designed with the cycle in mind, said that her training for the Olympics never took her cycle into account. She was expected to train like a man, and get on the period-suppressing pill, quick sharp.
It’s almost as though this experience, which is shared by half of the world, is something that we should feel ashamed of. It’s almost as though the power and potential of those who have a menstrual cycle is overlooked because it does not fit the conventional narrative. Don’t put up with it. Let’s get educated and harness that power. After that, obviously, let’s smash the patriarchy.
Great reads this week:
· It has been extremely hot in the South of France this week and I’ve been keeping cool with Karin Nordin’s Where Ravens Roost, a brilliant scandi-noir crime novel. It’s a great ride.
· I have been beaming with pride after my former student, Rawan Dakik, became the first Tanzanian woman to summit Mount Everest at only 20 years old. This Instagram post made me cry. What a woman.
· This piece about grief by Suchandrika Chakrabarti is so beautifully written and so poignant.
Ask Amy
I can only imagine how annoying this situation must be. In fact, when I read your question, I gave an inward groan, because I think all of us have experienced something like this, and it can really make you feel as though you are losing your mind. This can be exacerbated by the fact that plenty of men seem not to notice when they are being flirted with! It’s a pain and I really do sympathise with you on this one.
So, first of all, as presumably you are in a loving, trusting relationship with your boyfriend, try not to let this girl’s flirtation give you any pause or doubts about how he feels about you, or how you feel about each other. That can be easier said than done, especially because most of us women have been socialised to compete with one other to win a man’s affection (thank you, every rom-com of the 1990s). But let your relationship be a solid foundation which cannot be shaken or moved, make sure that you are able to tell your boyfriend how you feel, and you may find that this woman’s flirtation is easier to brush aside.
It is difficult if this woman is your boyfriend’s friend rather than yours, but a positive way of looking at it is that you can absolutely remove yourself from situations where she might be there without causing grave offence. I’m not suggesting that you will be able to avoid her entirely, but if seeing her makes you feel stressed, allow yourself a break. You have other, more important things to worry about than what she thinks – and you’ll never be able to control that anyway. Take a step back and don’t feel guilty about it.
We all communicate in different ways and it may be that this woman flirts with your boyfriend from a place of complete safety, knowing that it can never go anywhere. That doesn’t make it acceptable, but it can be reassuring to know. When it comes to flirtation, many of us are masters of the trade with close friends or with people we are not interested in romantically. Then when we actually meet someone we like, we feel tongue-tied and fall over ourselves. It’s extremely not cool if she is choosing to use your boyfriend for practice, but unless you feel ready to confront her about it, there isn’t much you can do about it.
Instead, keep calm and know that this flirtation is not a threat to you or your relationship. Tell your boyfriend that it’s annoying, moan about it with your friends… but try not to let your irritation consume you. Keep socialisation with her to a minimum and keep the lines of communication with your boyfriend wide open. Everything will be okay. I wish you luck on the journey ahead.
If you enjoyed this advice column, there are more available on my website.
I’m always looking for questions to answer, so please do drop me a line if you need some advice. It is anonymous, of course.